The final straw

I am so sick and tired of the relentless bullshit that parades through my life to keep me from what I really want. I am constantly made to feel like I am a child. Like I cannot be told the truth, like honesty can't possibly be important to me because I am too naive to know the difference. I am fully aware of what is going on around me, I see all the shit people think they are hiding. Just because I don't argue all the time, and because I have only been in one serious relationship, and because I am a simple country girl doesn't mean I am stupid or unable to know what is good for me. I know who I am, and if I thought that I needed to change, then I would. I don't need to be helped to find a good guy or to learn how dress cuter or whatever, because I am perfectly happy not being the cute girl. I dont' need that. That's not who I am. And I am not in denial of how I really feel about any thing. I have always known where I stand. I know what I am doing. I know what I can and cannot have, and I know where I will be after this is all said and done. All I want is to be able to worry about what is really important. Getting myself out of the trouble I put myself in last semester. And I am having a very hard time doing that because I can't cough in my own apartment without the fucking cops showing up. I can't walk two feet before another group of my friends are at each other's throats. I can't ignore the mounting needs of the people around me, and it is pulling me away from what I need to do for myself. I ahve no problem helping the people that I care about. But it is when they refuse to help themselves, and take advantage of the situation that it becomes more than I can handle. I rarely have more than an hour to myself unless I'm at work. I'm at a total loss for why this year is so much harder than last year. maybe it was being in the dorms. Maybe it was being in a relationship. Maybe it was that my classes were easier. I don't know, but I miss last year so much. But I can't go back. Wishing that things were the way they used to be gets me nowhere. I have to fix this. I am so fucking done with the secrecy, the lies, the stupid BULLSHIT. I'm tired of picking and choosing who I can tell what, and keeping my mouth shut all the time. I'm done being the go-between and watching people fuck themselves, each other, and me. So I am gonna squash all this shit. I am putting all my cards on the table because I can't take it anymore. I am writing a few key emails, having a few key conversations, and then I am sitting down with myself and fixing everything that is wrong with me. I am headed straight down, and I REFUSE to let myself end up at the bottom. I'm done trying to sidestep all this shit. I'm done taking time out of my schoolwork to come to the aide of others every 10 minutes. I have expectaions for myself, and right now, I am far from living up to them. If you think I am being to vague, well give it time, and I will b coming around to you to clear it up. I'm not telling anyone that I won't help them anymore, I am just not gonna hurt myself to help them. And I think that is a completely reasonable decision. But who knows, lately, people seem to disagree with me on what is reasonable. For example, I find that the noise coming from our apartment each night is completely reasonable, however, the asshole upstairs disagrees. Also, I think that wanting a friendship with someone I once loved is reasonable, however, some disagree. but I digress. the point is, I am fixing this shit, because I have given other people plenty of time to do so, but they haven't. I'm done being the neutral one. I'm fucking done.