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[06 Jun 2007|02:08pm] |
This whole moving out thing is so fucking weird, and I don't know what to think about it. I never expected the roommates to be happy about it, and I sure as hell don't blame them for being a little pissed, because I am, in a way, abandoning this whole "izzle" thing we had going. But I'm a little annoyed that everyone seems convinced that I had planned on running out of here with no consideration for how this is affecting everyone else. That has actually been my main setback in this whole decision and figuring out what I'm going to do. I have wanted to move out for awhile, but I had completely ruled it out at first because I have this thing where I can't stand to inconvenience anyone, which I guess is what got me into this mess to begin with.
But then I decided that I can't keep worrying about everyone else while I'm getting kicked out of college and becoming increasingly resentful about life in general.
As much as I would love for everything to be wonderful, and for the whole world to hold hands and sing, that's can't happen, so I guess I have to make things difficult for everyone for awhile so I can avoid becoming a fucking lowlife.
And I appreciate, I really really do, that Jenna and Amber have been cool about it and are willing to let a stranger move in here in my place, don't get me wrong about that. But I just hate that they think I'm trying to be conniving about this whole thing, and have been keeping information from them. That's just not true. I know/knew what I knew and I told them what I knew that the time. A lot of this depended on what they were willing to do, so I kinda had to wait.
This isn't fun, and it isn't comfortable, and we all know how much I love for people to be mad at me, but I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. This hasn't been an easy decision, and it has been pretty depressing having to realize that I can't be responsible enough to live with other people, and that I have to hurt my roommates to make my life livable. I don't want anyone think this has been an easy decision. I do like this apartment, and I have had a lot of good times being an izzle, and I'm so happy that the 3 year roommateship with Jenna has worked out so well, but I've got to move on, or I'm not going to move anywhere. And I'm not shelling out all this money and going through all this shit for no reason.
So I guess it's going to be weird for awhile, and if they want to get drunk and rant about me,or even to me, then they are certainly entitled to do so, but I hope that after it is all said and done, it all works out for everyone. I never intended to do this, but I also never intended to have a 2.1 gpa.
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[30 May 2007|12:39am] |
I haven't wanted to write in awhile because I haven't really had anything figured out enough to bother writing about it. But I guess it's time for an update. So here goes:
1) I am taking a semester (or more) off of IU. At the request of the Dean of the J School and because I have to stop being a douchebag before I can even think about trying to finish. I need some huge change right now because small change obviously hasn't been working. I need to hole myself up and work on me for awhile. I want to move out of Izzle lane at the end of the summer, but I am not really sure if that's going to go the way I want it to. I still don't have any difinitive answers about anything, which is making me nervous, but I guess it's going to take a little time. The whole point of being here is to help myself have what I want from life, and right now, what I want is pretty far away. I don't have the GPA I want, the plan I want, the choices I want, or even the attitude about I life I want, and it's about time i do something about it. I'm not happy, and that's finally become completely unacceptable to me. I just have to find out what it's going to take to get all those things I want and if I have the means to do it. I've done a whole lot of thinking about all of this, and I have taken a lot of things into consideration and a huge deciding factor for me was how the people around me have done well by making big changes. Moe is at Ivy Tech and doing really well, Steph moved home and getting her shit together like a champ, Ashley got a place by herself and she is living megan-less, and it inspires me to do the same thing. So I'm thinking a 1 bedroom where I can buckle down. I thought about moving home, but I really don't think I'd be happy there. And I thought about moving to indy, but I don't think I have the money. So I keep my job here, maybe move a little closer to campus into a crappy apartment with my two computers and a cat, and do the damn thing. Sounds good? I hope so.
2) Josh and I are back together. It may seem like a really odd time in my life to try to do the Josh and Shanda thing again, but we decided to go for it. And I'm happy we did. We have the benifit of knowing what doesn't work for us, and therefore, what will. And it's really been a saving grace to have him around during all this craziness. It's nice to have him to take me on dates and get me out of the house and to track me down a hairtie when I'm so hot I think I'm gonna pass out. He went to Zach's graduation with me, and it was great having him there. I feel like we are actually a couple this time around, rather than last time when I think we hung out less after we made it offical. We don't get to see each other very much because he's at the police academy until 5 and I have to be at work at 4 and when I finally do get off he's already in bed. But we hang out during his lunch sometimes and on my days off and whenever I have to do day shift, which is nice. I was introducing him as my boyfriend at home and I'm pretty sure my family thought I had been hiding him from them or something..but they all approve :) Zach, of course, loves him because they act so much alike. He was continually blown away by the middle-of-nowhere lifestyle us dekalb countiers live, but I'm pretty positive I would feel just as blown away if I were to go to Fishers. We're very different, but we pull it off. Wish us luck...
I guess those are the really major things going on...I don't really know much yet, but I'm hoping that no matter what happens, things will get more managable and I'll be able to get out of this. I've just go to do it MY way.
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[14 May 2007|03:11pm] |
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I'm finally going to do something about this. Details to come.
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[22 Feb 2007|01:04am] |
okay, so I just realized that I used the phrase "pretty penny" in two consecutive entries. I assure you all that I don't regularily used that very antiquated phrase, and I hope you notice that the entries were pretty far apart. So it really is quite and accident that it would be in two entries. I'll try to not use it again. I don't want to overdo things. (and now I fear that I have since I used it again in this entry, making it 3 in a row....)
okay, I guess that's all I had to say.
Cheerio.
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| It's happenin!! |
[20 Feb 2007|06:00pm] |
So, today I went to the tattoo place to drop off my pictures so the chick can draw them up. It's gonna cost me a pretty penny, but I've been waiting for this thing for a looong time. And I'm freaking stoked that Zach's getting his the same time. It's gonna be great. A lovely family experience. It's only a few days away, and I can't stop thinking about it. I was sitting in class today, doodling it on the sides of my paper. Its gonna hurt like hell, but I'll soldier on.
I told the girl at the place today where I wanted it, and she looked at me all wide-eyed. I think, actually, the more it hurts the more I'm gonna appreciate it when it's done. I know that sounds kinda weird coming from me, the pain-o-phobe, but whatever.
Anywho, I gotta get going to a russian film showing for a class I'm in...(hurray!!)
Oh, by the way, I just found out that Adam's shipping out early. April 11 rather than in july. So that's not cool. but he'll be home before he goes, I just hope it's not when I'm on spring break. I don't know what I'd do...
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| The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow! |
[09 Jan 2007|02:42pm] |
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I'm sitting in the union typing away on my shiny new laptop trying to waste some of the hour I have left until my next class starts. I don't really know why I've been lugging this damn thing around campus the last two days, but I guess I feel like since my mom (who doesn't have a lot of money to begin with) dropped a pretty penny on this thing, I better get some good use out of it. And if that just means getting stronger back muscles, then so be it.
Classes appear to be pretty good so far, I'll have a whole lot of papers, just as I suspected, but as long as I stay on top of things, then I think I'll be fine. I mean, I guess I don't have any other choice. It's either be fine or have that awesome conversation about why I got kicked out of college. Then I would feel like Laurie from That 70's Show. And if I'm going to be her, I might as well start sleeping around too.
I've been giving a lot of thought to my mental situation lately, and I've come to a few conclusions. First, laying around and thinking about how sad my life is will not do me any good. I have never had much tolerance with myself being mopey, so why should I start tolerating it now? Yes, I seem to remember the pre-college days as a happier time when I was happy with who I was... but things are different, so, naturally, I should be different too. Life isn't all peaches and cream, so my demeanor should be either. If I was happy go lucky all the time, I would be delusional. And then I would have more problems than I think. But really, what do I have to be depressed about? I have a great family, lots of opportunities, I am not living in a 3rd world country eating flies for dinner, the list goes on. So I don't have much money, who cares? So I might flunk out of college? I haven't yet!!
The whole world lies open at my feet, and I just need to keep reminding myself of two things. First, I am only 21 years old, and any mistakes I have made so far are completely fixable. I have more than half of my life yet to live!!! Second, all of those days I remember as being so great, really weren't. I mean really, I didn't have any more money than I do now, I was stuck dealing with the pressures of high school life (ugh!), and I was trapped in the bubble of DeKalb county, deprived of all the life experiences I now have under my belt.
High School was like the matrix, it seemed great...but now I'm in the real world, with Keanu Reeves....and my life is really beginning. (wow, i can't believe I just used that metaphor. I must be sleep deprived or something.)
When I started this entry, I intended to complain about the nightmares I have been having or how I just found out I have to live off of $700 for the rest of the year, or how I think my car is going to break down. But I'm glad I didn't (even tho I guess I kinda did right now) because I would just walk into class with all those things on my mind instead of thinking about the pep talk I just gave myself. (and about how the guy I like is in this class. I am such a freaking stalker......I need a hobby.)
ANYWAY, I guess I'll end this entry now, and urge you all (all meaning the 5 of you that actually read this, I guess) to take a minute and look at all the great things in your life. I mean seriously, we've got it good, people. You could be some weird guy sitting at the bus stop drooling on yourself waiting on a bus that never comes to take you to the home you do not have so you can use the phone that isn't there to call the people that love you that don't exist. Now that is probably the saddest life I can think of.
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!
Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!
When I'm stuck a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!
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| try try try again. |
[06 Jan 2007|02:06pm] |
This is going to be short.
I talked to my advisor yesterday. I'm back in, but on only 12 creedit hours per her instructions. I am to the point I never wanted to be, the point where one more fuck up costs me my future. I hate that I'm here, but I'll love it when I pull myself out. I am so ready for the day when my family asks me how school is going and I don't have to lie and say "Oh it's great" with that little voice in the back of my head screaming, "I'M GOING TO GET KICKED OUT! I'M GOING TO END UP BACK IN THE FUCKING PICKLE FACTORY LIKE I PROMISED MYSELF I NEVER WOULD!"
But, I'm on the verge of slamming this ugly chapter shut and starting the new one.
So look out, 2007, I'm coming for you.
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[31 Oct 2006|11:17am] |
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well, it's been a looooooooong time since I've written anything, so long, in fact, that I doubt anyone checks this anymore, so there's really no point in writing in it. But that's okay, I guess.
Let's start a ways back, shall we??
Grandma passed away. And it actually hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I think what was hardest to take was knowing that she was a good person and she lead a good, hardworking life, and she still had to suffer the way she did. It's hard for me to remember her the way I want to, the way she was before the accident, because the most time I spent with her after the accident was when she wasn't herself. But as sad as this all has been, I know that it has made me a better person, and I know that where she is now, she is back to the Judy she always was. Which means she is watching me. Which also means I need to get my act together, because my grandma wont stand for this shit. And I would prefer to not piss off my gaurdian angel, thank you. There is a lot of her in me, and it's high time for me to start tapping that strength.
Anywho. Classes are shitty. And it's all my fault. I'm stuck back in that rock/hard place I am so good at getting myself into. But today, I've been having a few ephipany's (sp?) I realized that I work a whole lot better int he morning, because I can't to homework at night, I just can't. Don't know why, but when I get home, I can't fight those evening distractions. So now, I just need to get up and do it before class. So I'm going to try.
I have meetings with some of my professors in the next few days, and I plan on telling them the truth. I have gotten so good at bullshitting, it is easier than admitting that I really do suck. But creating a sob story isn't going to do me any good this time around. I also plan on going to CAPS. Jenna went, and it made me think it might be worth a try to get to the bottom of my lack of motivation. I could certainly use an outside opinion. Can't hurt, right? I'm a little more than halfway through my college experience, and I don't have a whole lot to show for it. and that needs to change.
A friend from Read, Ashley Dress, is editor for a magazine, and she is hooking me up with it, so I need to start giving her some material. It will be a good thing for me, because it's right up my alley.
AS for my love life......eh. I have a few odd decisions to make, and as much as I would like to have someone to be with, my sense of practicality is overriding the feelings I have. I am, for one, not really in a position to be devoting time to a relationship. If you have been reading any of the above, you know I have some shit to take care of with myself. And the past hasnt really given me any indication that this would be a fruitful endeavor. (I sound like I'm planning a hunting trip...) But I shall spend no more time on that.
There you go, friends, a new entry. I hope that tides you over for awhile. Because chances are, I won't be writing in here very soon. Call me if you are really curious.
It's back to morining homework for me!
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[04 Sep 2006|08:24pm] |
okay, here's an update. I'm gonna try to squeeze this out before I lose the motivation to write. this is the 3rd time I've tried to update but gave up halfway. Laziness, anyone?
Anyway! School has started, and I think I can handle it as long as I don't lose momentum....I've done pretty well so far, I'm even caught up on my reading! (now that's saying something)
Adam was supposed to come down today....but Troy planned him a surprise party, so he had to stay in town for that. Do I believe him? well, I don't know, but it doesn't much matter, does it? If I think he's full of shit and I'm right, it's not going to get him to show up...so I'm not wasting effort trying to detect a lie. He said he would come down if he had a chance before he leaves, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.
The new place is fantastic! I love it, even if the commute can be a bitch.
For those of you who don't know by now, we have KITTIES. Karac and Cagney (R.I.P.) came first, bringing fleas and all sorts of joy. After the loss of cagney, we spent some time getting Karac all settled in, then found our Dinah. They look remarkably alike, and they fight like siblings. Karac is the big brother (7 months) and Dinah is the ornery little sis (8 weeks) It adds a little excitement around here, I'll say that.
I guess that's all I really have to talk about. Or that I want to talk about on here, that is. I'm still not a big fan of airing ALL my dirty laundry on the web, but anyone who reads this is probably aware of everything else anyway. (here i am making it sound like I have all this excitement I'm hiding from the world.....really, I guess there isn't a whole lot else. I'm pretty boring)
I'll leave it here, because I want to. and this will have to do until I post again. (sometime around 2010) So, keep an eye out for that!
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| hypothetically speaking. |
[18 Jul 2006|06:18pm] |
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okay, so say you are driving around, and you see this house for sale. You don't need a house, you don't even particularly want one, but this house is so incredible, you have to stop and look at it. So you do, even though you know you shouldn't be because you will be tempeted to buy it, and that would be a bad idea. But you look anyway, and the more time you spend in the house the more you like it, the more it makes you happy, and the more you want to buy it. But you know that so many people would be upset it you did. The credit card company would be mad because you already owe money, and your friends would be mad because you have just told all of them how stupid it was for them to be buying houses just like it. But perhaps most importantly, the house is in the same neighborhood as your family, and it would be really awkward if you moved there and was suddenly forcing yourself into parts of thier lives where they don't want you. And on top of all that, the house is hours away from where you live now, and if you buy it, you wouldn't be able to spend all the time that you want there. And you would feel terrible if you robbed the house from enjoying the people that are closer. But you just can't bring yourself to let go of the house because it makes you happier than you have been in awhile, and everytime you are in the house you forget about all the reasons why you shouldn't buy it. So what do you do? Do you buy the house that makes you happy, or do you listen to logic and tell the realtor you just can't?
okay, so now say the house was a person. then what??
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[29 Jun 2006|07:21pm] |
okay, I want to update because a lot has been going on, but I kinda dont feel like spending the energy writing a whole lot. so I'll make this as brief as I can. (esp. since steph is on her way to pick me up for ice cream)
I went home, and it was totally incredible. It felt so good to be home. so good, in fact, that I turned around and went back as soon as I got back down here. I just felt relieved. I can't really put my finger on it. I think it was because I was constantly surrounded by people, which is how I like it. I mean, while I've been in btown this summer, I have been spending a lot of time sitting alone, or just with one other person. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I love all you guys down here, its just that this summer has turned out to be pretty mind numbing. (and Im sure you guys agree) also, I have been tearing myself up for the last month because I didn't have a job, so I had no plans, no money, and the constant feeling that my time was running out. I have two jobs now (YAY) so I feel a lot better in that regard.
I also missed my friends from home a lot. I always do, and to get some spontaneous time with them is always a pleasure. In times of stress, it always does me good to go back to the places and people that I know best. It's a kind of therapy for me.
My family is in a really rough patch right now, what with my grandma leaving us soon, and it was nice to be there with them for awhile. My mom is a mess, and I hope that she'll get a break soon. I would feel really bad if I was away from her through this whole process. I already feel kinda detached as it is. But those are the downfalls of growing up and getting out, I suppose.
I probably had more fun with zach than anyone else while I was there. He's getting to be more of a peer to me at time goes by. I can feel us getting on the same wavelength as he gets older. He's getting his shit figured out, I'm glad he has a job now, I think that's good for him. I hope he can come visit me soon. (like when I have money to go do something fun, perhaps.)
I can't believe it's almost july, that really bums me out. I haven't done half the things I said I would.
That's another thing. It's almost 4th of july, and I have no plans. That SUCKS. I always have a million things to do on the weekend of the 4th, and this year, I will be sitting around thinking about how much fun everyone else will be having. I won't even be blowing things up in dad's front yard with zach. I am slightly considering going back home, but I don't have the money, and kohls will probably want to me to work.
I've felt pretty blah ever since I got back from home, and I think the 4th has a big part of that. I feel like I'm missing out. And going home was so much fun it makes me almost regret staying here for the summer. I mean, it seemed like such a great idea, but it didn't turn out the way I planned. (things rarely do...)
Growing up is exhausting, and it puts everyone in such a terrible mood, too. We are all so stressed out, the whole crew is in this cloud of moneyless, tired boredom. and it sucks. But we'll prevail, we always do one way or another. School will come around, and we will be too busy to hang out, so when we do see each other, it will be so much fun hanging out, we will forget how boring the summer was. That is, if things work out the way I planned. (har de har har)
well, that's enough for me. It's almost ice cream time.
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[13 Jun 2006|05:23pm] |
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well, here I am, updating to get stephanie to leave me alone. again. What's new in shandaland? well, not a whole lot. I sit on my ass like it's my job, because I can't manage to track down an actual job. How cool am i?
On the upside, adam and I are tlking again, and it's good stuff. I'm always glad to hear from him, even if he tends to fall back out of contact as quickly as he appears. At least I know there's no bad blood between us and that he's doing okay in that fucking sandbox. Speaking of boxes, I am preparing one to send to him, actually, so if you want to throw anything in, let me know.
Moving on, Target is about as gay as a flying frenchman in a pink leotard and a sequined belt. (Take a moment to let that image sink in...) Why? well, After having me make 8 total phone calls to two different numbers over the last week, I have no more information as to why they won't hire me. And then they call and wake me up this morning to have me call the background check place AGAIN just so I can hear the same shit they have been telling me all along. I don't know what planet all those assholes are from but effective communication must not be a virtue of their people. serious.
The whole thing is throughly annoying. and I'm still not generating a paycheck. So I applied at kohls and the hospital and your mom's house, and I wait. some more. *sigh*
Hm, what else is going on? I dunno, I guess nothing, really. Steph and I had pizza last night. So that was cool.
My days are spent watching tv, surfing the net, job hunting, and then calling steph to go do something random and free, like walking around kirkwood.
I like being down here despite being so damn bored....because I really don't like the idea of going back home. blech. I'm excited for my next visit, because I miss everyone, but I have no desire to move back. I just don't feel right being there. I'm out. It's like getting your house arrest anklet removed and staying home all day anyway.
okay, I'm bored with this entry. On to the next mindless activity. Maybe I'll stare at a wall for awhile. that sounds nice....
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| just a boring update |
[22 May 2006|10:18pm] |
So, I realized that it has been forever and a day since I put something new up here, and I figured it was high time to let my dedicated readers know what is going on with me.
Ummmm, for those of you who have a problem grasping the obvious, it is now summer, and I am fresh outta my sophomore season in the college game. Wooo Hoo. where oh where has the time gone?? I feel like the years are slipping past. 4 months til the big 2-1, which means I will always have something to do or somewhere to go, and lots and lots of opportunities to get myself into trouble. Which will just be really great for me.
I went home after finals, it was lovely. I truly enjoy going home and spending a few lazy days with the family and crazy nights with my friends. My home contacts have pretty much been narrowed down to Dane, Shane and Amy C, but that's okay with me. Those three rock my world, and they lead me to all the others, which is nice. One day, Shane, Dane and I were talking about what awesome parties our weddings are going to be and it made me realize how much we are all growing up. It seems like only yesterday we were talking about what awesome parties we were gonna have when we turned 16. Damn. (and my 16th turned out pretty lame, actually, lol)
okay, I'm babbling. I'll try to stick to news.
Uhhh, We are moved into our summer pad, and lemme tell you, getting the hell out of campus view was as wonderful as I imagined it would be. It's so nice to have a HOME. With WALLS. and a crazy old lady neighbor instead of an asshole grad student. you all know what I'm talking about.
I have yet to find a job (to the utter dismay for my family, some of which are conviced I will end up moving home. not gonna happen) But I'm working on that. If only working to find work offered some kind of pay. that would be nice. I'm used to not having money, but it doesn't mean I'm okay with it.
So, while I am not seeking the ever elusive career, what do I spend my time doing? well, gaining more weight, walking by the new roomie's room and smelling it (not as creepy as it sounds. it smells like axe halfway down the hallway. it's nice:), watching "Friends" at moe's, and playing pool with steph. and tizzle just got back, so I have another person to be bored with. so yay. Bloomington may be beautiful in the summer, but there is no more to do here than at home (if you're under, of course)
Within the crew, there are 3 pools for us to chill in, and as soon as it gets warmer (and I get my body back to being bikini worthy) we will at least be able to do that. and I am really looking forward to Cedar Point with everyone who is able to go, because I love cedar point, it's alwas a good time, even if I get so sunburned I wish for a swift death. but I digress. (p.s. I love the phrase I digress. dunno why.)
I went to missouri to witness the graduation of my cousin Diandra. It was fun, hanging with the fam is always a good time. as long as you are ready to be ridiculed to no end, that is. :) I was made fun of for my hair, for going to IU, for being inarticulate, for being a girl, for sleeping to late, for falling down, for buying my cousins spray paint and vandalizing some girl's trees, and many other things I can't really call to memory. All in all, a pretty fun time. it's a laugh a minute, but you aren't allowed to laugh, because you will be made fun of. show no weakness, pretty much. wow, this makes us sound like really horrible mean-spirited people, but we aren't. we are just in constant competition to get one up on each other. Oh, and if you are asleep while others are awake, bad things will happen to you. like getting your cot flipped over. or having a special makeup job done. or a nice cold water bath. or getting jumped on, or tickled. or yelled at. or phisically dragged out of bed. It's all a part of being a powell. But when it comes down to it, we are jerks because we love. If we were overly nice to you, it means you didn't fit in. But I'll stop talking because i'm making us sound worse. lol. you'll just have to meet us. if you are up to the challenge!!!! MWAA HAA HAAA!!!
well, I guess that's all for now. sorry it's not too juicy this time. but steoh is coming over with some vodka, so maybe I'll have something good to write about tomorrow! till then............watch your back.
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[02 May 2006|06:23pm] |
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okay, so a revision must be made to the last entry, due to an overwhelming response. There will be a full-crew road trip this summer, or else. happy now, guys? thought so :)
so, moving on......three more days in the apartment from hell, and the tizzles are attempting to wreak as much havoc on the place as we can manage. MWAA HAAA HAAA.
Grandma is doing better, she has pneumonia, which isn't good, but she's coming down from the high from all the drugs the hospital gave her, so she's getting chipper and healing up. She's in a really nice nursing home in ft wayne, so I'm not so worried about her.
We watched V for Vendetta last night, it was amazing.
I'm gonna spend a week at home, because I can. I'm leaving on thursday, if I can, then I'll be back whenever I feel like it. Then the summer begins! After this year, a week at hme doing nothing sounds pretty damn good. and mom said zach is excited to have me back, but don't tell him I know. lol. it would damage his masculinity to miss his sissy.
I guess that's about it. Good luck on finals, everyone, and I'll catch you all in the summer!
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| a new mission |
[27 Apr 2006|01:23am] |
I need to re-focus. this has been the worst year ever. I have said that over and over again, but it's too true to not repeat. So I am breaking it down. I am giving myself 4 goals that I will have to accomplish in the next 4 weeks.
1. Find Shannon Dellinger
2. Get a job
3. Go on one random mini-road trip all by myself
4. lose 5 pounds
so there you have it folks. This is my new mission.
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[11 Apr 2006|06:27pm] |
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My grandma is on the verge of giving up. and if you knew her the way she was, you would understand how devastating that is. I have never in my life met a person as strong as Judith Powell. She raised 5 kids on her own and has lived through 2 debilitating car accidents, one at age 18, one at 63. She is a tower of stablity, despite her frail physical appearance. There have been few things in my life that scared me as badly as when I saw her cry for the first time. it was 2 years ago. we were at the county fair. She was trying to tell me something, and she couldn't get the words out because she hadn't regained her speech after the accident. I kept asking her to repeat herslf. she just looked at me, and started to cry. I thought I was gonna fall apart right there in front of the elephant ear stand. I didn't know what to do. This was my grandmother. she was supposed to be the tough one. she always was. and I had to watch her burst into tears because she couldn't communicate a simple request. And she has made so much improvement since that day. she was almost walking. she was back to her sassy self. and then everything fell apart again in november. a stroke, failed veins. Now she's lying in a hospital bed missing her left leg, and fighting sleep because she's afraid she's going to die. she's only 65. she should be in florida, feeding bread to ducks in her backyard. but she's dying. and Im all the way down here. I hate it. i don't want to get that phone call. so I pray. and I'd appreciate it if you did too.
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[11 Apr 2006|05:09pm] |
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it's spring. I'm happy. there is nothing more wonderful to me than warm weather. I think things are gonna be just fine. so my grades aren't that good? well, I am 20 years old, and I have many mistakes to make. and I've decided to stop worrying about it so much. wallowing in my own self pity was fine for the winter, but it's too nice out for that kind of tomfoolery. I'm am really happy with things as they are. I have a plan for the next year. my skin is getting tougher. I have a wonderful somebody that buys me flowers and laughs at my unrelenting idiocy. and we are going camping at cedar point. and eating orange sherbert ice cream. I've messed up enough to teach me the right lessons without making me lose faith in myself. my friends are all okay now. ready for the summer where we can recharge our respective batteries. poolside. with a strawberry daqueri in hand. I'll spend my days mowing lawns and building my profile. it's all going to be just fine.
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| My First Love |
[29 Mar 2006|02:12am] |
Once upon a time, I was asked what it was that attracted me to Led Zeppelin. I found myself speechless. (a rare occurance, to be sure) I couldn't really put my finger on what it is that makes my pulse beat to the sound of John Bonham's bass drum. I've actually been thinking about it quite a lot since then. And I still can't narrow it down to one thing. So, I will start my almost assuredly long winded explaination with a story. The story of the night I fell in love for the first time.
I was 15 and it was shortly after christmas. I had gotten three CD's from my dad that year. He called them "parental influences." One was "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd, another was Janis Joplin's greatest hits, and the last one was Led Zeppelin's fourth album. So, a few nights later, I was lying in bed, picking out which CD I would listen to as I fell asleep that night. I skipped over my usual Totally Hits 3 and went for my new Led Zeppelin disc. The first 3 songs ceratinly caught my attention, but it was when the fourth track came on that I was floored. (which is saying something, considering I was lying in bed) I listened to that 7 minute song at least 5 times that night. I couldn't get enough of it. It seemed to answer any question I ever had about anything. It was the most perfect thing I had ever heard. It was an emotional journey, from beginning to end. To this day, whenever I listen to it, I feel totally different. I feel like the person I'm supposed to be. To me, when that song ends, it's like the first day of the rest of my life. I have known since that night that very few things in my life will effect me the way that song did. does. Robert Plant said, "This is a song of Hope" when Zeppelin played Madison Square Garden. And that is exactly it. It can get you through anything, as long as you listen hard enough. And that is why I can't listen to it just any ole time. That is why I skip it when it comes up on my random play list. Because it means too much to me for that. Just thinking about how I felt that night when I fell in love with a song much older than I makes me all twitchy. That is probably the best discription I can give of what that song means to me. It's just much bigger than myself.
As for the band as a whole, the entire catalogue of music is filled with incredible music. The emotion of blues, with grandoise guitar riffs, thudering beats and the most charismatic voice of the world makes every song send chills down my spine. (I sound like an freaking infomercial) they spoke to a new generation. they pioneered a new brand of music. Hard Rock. They took blues and put it into rock. It added power. It added emotion. People protested against them, called them the antichrist. But all they were preaching was hope, determination, and love. Their lyrics are poetry. "Oh father of four winds, fill my sails, across the sea of years. With no provisioin but an open face, along the straits of fear" I mean, how many bands have lyrics like that?
The world of Led Zeppelin is intangible, which makes it superhuman to me. I will never see them perform live. They will never make another record. All I have is the past. I can gather everything they have ever recorded. Read articles, books, look at pictures, and watch movies. But their world doesn't exist anymore. Led Zeppelin is no longer a band. They are a legend. My favorite one. It's not music. it's the gospel of the church of rock. And I like to think of myself as an alter boy. (or girl, you know, whatever.)
there it is, kids. the method to my madness. the meaning to my obsession. so now you know.
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[21 Mar 2006|06:10pm] |
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snow on the 2nd day of spring. I wanted to throw a fit this morning, but it's hard to throw a fit in your underwear. now I have an exam and I cant find the book for the class. I just spent a week in mexico, one would think that this would mean thta I would not be afraid of flunking out of college because I can't speak spanish. one would be wrong, however. One would also think that when one realizes that one is not the person one wants to be, one would find the motivation to change oneself. wrong again, one. One instead spends time sitting in ones room wondering where one went wrong. wasting more precious time that one feels like one is without. tis a vicious cycle. tis the hamsterwheel that killed the hamster. emotional breakdown? maybe. I AM having a serious jonesing for an oxygen mask. and a straitjacket. so, perhaps I am impolding. or maybe, I imploded a long time ago and the nuclear radiation is just starting to take effect. I'll keep an eye out for any horrible disfigurement. I would appreciate it if you would all do the same. I think I'm gonna go wash all the doorknobs in the apartment 8 times then organize my CD's in alphabetical order, because that's what crazy people do.
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[19 Mar 2006|06:47pm] |
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So, spring break has concluded, and am staring at a giant pile of messiness. But I feel that I won't be able to do anything about it until I share with all of you some of the highlights of the trip. so here goes.
I am in complete awe of the whole experience. Over 9 days, I found myself humbled, surprised, giddy, amazed, exhausted, drunk, sunburned, and humbled again. South Padre was incredible. The dunes there were breathtaking. That is the kind of place that makes you realize how small you are. I could have sat there and stared at the ocean for hours. It makes me hungry to see more of the beauty the world has to offer.
Mexico was like nothing I ever experienced. Neea kept saying, "It's all so simple here, and the people are so Happy!" I couldn't agree more. I told jt that I could live in that tiny town, in a bright pink shack of my own, eating fajitas and taking cold showers and be perfectly happy. and it's true. After seeing the intimacy of mexico, when I came back into the US, it seemed so ugly. In mexico, there may be dirt everywhere, and no carpet, and broken down cars, shacks and old abandoned buildings, but to me, the uniformity of the states seems much uglier. I can't explain it, so i'm not gonna try. It's something that affects everyone differently.
At first, trying to communicate with people that spoke a different language was a bit daunting, but eventually, I loosened up and it became kind of an adventure. Victor's cousin (I have no idea how she spells her name...it translates to Edith in engilsh, but is pronounced like kinda like Adeet) was freaking cool, and I didn't have a clue what the hell she was talking about. I think we could be really good friends.
I realized that I do really like authentic mexican food (esp fajitas! mmmm)
We did run into the craziness of the spring break scene a couple of times, and I liked it, but I wouldn't have wanted to be in it the whole time. We went to a club in south padre and partied it up (soberly) for 6 hours there one night....it was packed and a lot of fun. Then, while walking down the beach, we stumbled across a gigantic mob of intoxicated people that I have no idea how we missed the first few days. We waded through the beer cans, sweaty bodies and naked boobs for awhile, but when you can't drink, a scene like that loses it's appeal pretty quickly. so we trekked on. One night in mexico, we found the main drag in the city (after seeing a bunch of honest-to-goodness-prostitutes, including a trannie) and the bars were set up for the spring breakers. We got drunk and unruly like the 20-somethings we are. it was superb. There was a dance contest to shakira, and free beer. also, a club called "Orange". all in all, a good night.
I missed neea more than I knew. She is an awesome person, whom I love to hang out with. We can be doing nothing but making weird noises and saying MOO? and still be having fun. I wish the best for her. she is one of those people who have too much potential to be reined in. Once she finds where she needs to be, she will do really well for herself. She invokes a huge sense of adventure in me....which made her the perfect person to do something like this trip with.
there were so many things that happened outside of what I have written here, but if you want to hear more, you will have to come to the source, because I am spent on this entry. I'm gonna start some laundry and lay down until I have something better to do. so, in conclusion, the trip was amazing, I can't wait for my next adventure, but for right now, it's good to be home.
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